Spent the day listening to silly old love songs.

Ah.

Guess at the end of the day,
The heart just wants what the heart wants.

Pura vida.

Mexico.
18 months, and now its time to say goodbye.

Mexico has changed me, for better or worse. And now I’m going back to a new life.

Singapore.
So much has changed. Yet so many things remain the same.
I have a lot of growing up to do, to live a truthful life with nothing to hide. To be happy. To be myself again.

The road back to where I was has been long and windy.

I am sorry for all the pains I’ve caused, for all the mistakes I’ve made. And I thank you.

I took the long road, but I am coming back a better person. Hopefully at least.

Mistakes.

So many mistakes.

When will I ever learnt?

There’s no way to change the past, and all I can do is to man up and rectify my mistakes.

And let the chips fall wherever they may.

I’ve done my best so now I’ll have to let god do the rest. 

hello, old friend.

it’s been a while, and you haven’t been missed.

despite trying my sunday best not to be affected by you, i still am.

hello, rejection. hello, inadequacy. 

It hasn’t been the greatest of start to 2013. 

A teary phone call from home was all that it took. Plans were cancelled, itinerary was changed. And after 5 stops, and tens of air-borne hours later, I was finally home. 

Today was her 9th day in the ICU. The worst, I was told, was over, though the end was nigh. Her internal organs were no longer functioning, and each day represented another desperate battles to fight the inevitable. We tried so hard, but upon seeing the pain and the sufferings, perhaps the end was not such a bad thing..

At one point, tear-stained, Mom was rubbing her mother’s stomach, humming softly an old Chinese lullaby. It was both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time…

And finally, thank god you were there when you were most needed. You were the silver-lining to an otherwise horrendous beginning to another year.

I, for so long, have been the cause of so many unhappiness. I guess I thought that if I built a wall around my heart, I wouldn’t get hurt. But looking back, this very reasoning, this very damn thing made me lose myself along the way, and in the process, I hurt so many people and I became something unrecognizable.

Despite everything, I still am possessive. Still am jealous. Still want. Still need. But the thing is, those are, after all, my own problems. I have enough of game and pretence, and the thing is, with you I feel I can stop. I now know that I don’t ever want to go back to that misguided way again, and I just want to be true. I just want to be happy with you. Regardless of the outcome, only then I can find peace within myself.

Reflecting upon my own life, I have spent so much time chasing - chasing for more, chasing for the brighter future, chasing for everything. Yet despite all that, I am not happy. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too late for me, but the soonest I could do to affect my own life is now, and that is the only available option.

So here’s a little reminder to myself. Down the road, there will still be many obstacles, most of which you have created for yourself. But when you feel down, or inadequate, or jealous, or whatever, just take a few deep breaths. Take a step back and see the world a little more clearly, that you can only control yourself, so it’s up to you to do a damn good job about it. Keep praying, not to ask for any undeserved rewards, but rather to remind yourself everyday to be a better man. Keep ศีล 5 as a daily roadmap. And find happiness in doing positive things, doing things for others, supporting your family, and loving honestly.